Valuable Lessons to be Learned

(The following was written, and lost, two years ago. Its relevance and the impact of its succinct dissection of the issues of the day have, naturally, not diminished at all in the intervening period). 


Today, the nation breathed a sigh of disappointment as it was announced that no, the 2018 FIFA Football World Cup Kickathonfest 3000 was apparently not to be held in England. I say the nation, but there appears to be quite a few people now saying that they “didn’t want it anyway”, or “probably couldn’t afford it” – as if Sepp Blatter was going to turn up for a month at their three-bed semi in Walsall and instantly demand that not only you serve him eggs benedict, but that you also personally steward every single game single-handedly and sort out some sandwiches for half time while you’re about it. Either way the whole sorry debacle has taught us a thing or two.

The BBC, and therefore the England bid team, needed teaching a lesson

A strong vein through the Panorama programme on corruption within FIFA (which, incidentally I didn’t watch – I can’t get past the part with Jeremy Vine) was the lack of transparency in the organisation, and in the bidding / voting process. A breath of fresh air was felt to waft around Zürich then when it was announced that the voting figures would, for once, be released. After Sepp Blatter warns the “electorate” about the “evils” of the media. After they had already voted the English bid into oblivion. To provide a “transparency” of sorts; meaning the kick in the nuts was with a glass slipper, I suppose.

People are people

Andy Anson, head of the English bid, has revealed his disappointment at being told to his face by delegates that they would vote for him. He then had his dreams cruelly ground into the floor as he watched two whole votes plop through for what Sepp described as “The Motherland of Football”. Mr Anson – not only are people generally gobshites, rich people who are part of a cabal are even more so. Next week Andy learns another lesson when himself, a coat made of money and the Tube combine to really stuff up his day.

Cameron, Beckham and Windsor are technically useless people

The “big guns”, as they were referred to, didn’t achieve their aims today (i.e. success). Impassioned pleas from an iconic star of the game; reasoned pleas from the political head of the country; royal pleas from the future King of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland: all fell on deaf ears. Apparently it doesn’t matter how many shiny telegenic faces you throw at a sporting wall, unfortunately some of them just will not stick. The surprising thing is that, aside from David Beckham, the other two are the epitome of the FIFA way; a silver spoon-fed Tory from Eton and one of a long line of royal spongers should have got the message through to a crowd of over 60s on the take.

Sepp doesn’t like the cold weather

 If there’s one man who doesn’t have to worry about Jack Frost this winter, it certainly isn’t Our Sepp. Having obviously seen the shenanigans that Russia got up to with Gazprom, he swiftly got them onside before starting to fret about what to do once the gravy train finally departs from Moscow in 2018. Never fear – the third bar on the Casa Blatter fire will never be turned down, with Qatar accounting for one-third of the globe’s gas reserves. As an added bonus, out of all the contenders Russia and Qatar were placed lowest in the most recent Press Freedom Index; so he won’t even have to put up with Jeremy Vine dossing on his sofa.